To be honest, I didn't want to start this section of my blog until I had perfected my drawing skills. I was hoping to make very short comic strips, rather than typing a whole bunch of stuff. I figured that I could always do both. Maybe I'd create the comic strips when I perfect my skills. This part of my blog is all about my journey. Lol, I know what you're probably thinking. No! I don't love the word - journey. Yes, it's literally on every page on my blog.
This part, this is all about me; and I was skeptic about writing it all out. I'm still not sure if I want to do this, so I have decided to take it one step at a time. It is about my relationship with people (which I sucked at, I was extremely awkward when it came to hanging out with people, so I rarely did), God (the best thing that has ever happened to me) and myself (the endless drama in Ms. Comfort Ekaette Oluyemisi Inyang's life)
The reason we are both here
I know, most people get quite twitchy when they see anything related to God. For a long time, I would seal my lips on matters concerning him like he wasn't the most real part of my life, this section of my blog is mostly about God. About my journey (strike ) walk with him (I know, I'm working on using synonyms now). The idea of starting the blog was his in the first place, so I mean, it's only fair that he gets the center stage. I was not in the least interested in starting a blog, the fact I did so still baffles me. With God, you get to a certain place where his desires become yours and I guess that's what's going to happen with noireee.com.
My hope was to make this section all comic, illustrating my life through sketches and funny comments, but I guess that will wait. I don't want to sound all too serious but the times are pressing (in my most dramatic voice). Last year, I witnessed the awakening (as I like to call it) of the woman I was intended to be. My comatose was interrupted and my fickle plans deterred. The revival wasn't just for me, I have seen a number of people whose hunger for truth have deepened. It's the call to the journey to the heart of the very one who owns all things. I used to think I knew him and all it took to be his. Each day a veil is removed and I see more clearly that there is more to him.
My first discussion is hence themed God is not your genie
I was once a rational person (except when it came to food, of course. I literally used to have a brain freeze when I saw food). Everything had to be reduced to formulas or steps; cooking, studying, relationships with people, God! It worked for a while. I mean, faith had to have its formulas too right? My intention was always to have my way.
So to me, God was the genie who controlled the whole universe. Someone that I could manipulate. Whenever I didn't have my way with him, I'd throw tantrums and not talk to him. You must understand that God has always been more real to me than anyone else in the world. As I said, I was always awkward with people, but with God it was different. People avoided me, or I thought so. It was a lie that I fed until it became my reality. Whenever I was alone, it was easier to talk to God. He always showed up, and I loved him for that.
There was a time in high school when I took a mathematics competition. I had studied (quite alright), but on the day of the test I got confused or something ( I can't remember). So, I told God to help me. When the time for the exam was almost up, I just shaded random options. Guess what? God did help me. I won the regionals and qualified for the state exams.
My high school was a Christian school, of course, and we had a testimony section each Wednesday and Sunday evening we went to the chapel. I think I had promised God that I would give a testimony or so, but I didn't. I didn't want people to think I was proud by announcing that I had won the competition (Lol, I know what you're thinking, it probably sounds so ridiculous).
At that age, I was kind of interested in making friends and not pushing them away. So I always tried to protect my image. I wanted to be funny (regardless of the cost), beautiful and accepted (you know all the drama that comes with being an adolescent). So I didn't give the testimony. Soon, time for the national competition arrived. I had studied so hard. I prayed before the exam hoping God will also work the same way he did before. Yup, you guessed it. I didn't win the competition.
The plot twist
I wasn't great at handling attention, it made me queasy. My brain would actually stop booting if I felt someone was watching me. It so happens that during the competition a cameraman decided that I would be his lab rat and as long as he stood there I couldn't think. And he stood there for a really, really long time. Awards would be given to the first fifteen competitors (laptops, a stay at an exquisite hotel and cash prize).
The results came out, I was the fifteenth position but the sixteenth on the list. I had tied for the fifteenth position with someone else who was picked over me. You can't imagine how betrayed I felt. I wasn't mad at the cameraman for distracting me. Neither was I upset that the board picked someone else. No, I was angry at God for not having my back. I mean, he was supposed to be my friend. I got so mad I cried, I told him I hated him( I actually feel so petty now, I was so selfish) and that I wouldn't talk to him again. Of course, I couldn't last a day without him, so I gravitated back to him.
The pain and love
God is first of all my father, he is also my friend; and no father wants a whiny, complaining, ungrateful or I must have it my way child. He wants us to grow and when he disciplines us it hurts. I remember when I was younger if my dad ever looked disapprovingly at me. I would burn so much. Sometimes, God's discipline seems too severe. But when he's done, you will be in awe of its effect on your life.
Initially, in your walk with God, he might condone a few things. But the time comes for you to be weaned. And then the tricks you used and the methods that once worked don't work anymore. There was a time I'd ask God for signs if I wanted to make a decision. He always answered. Last year, even if I begged him for a whole day for a clue, he wouldn't even indulge me just a bit. So I had to learn to hear his still small voice that speaks within my heart. I'm still learning.
The true concept of love
With God, love is not what you profess with your lips. It is who you are. You have to grow from a place of wanting and needing to a place of wanting to do his will. And that's his desire for us all, that we offer our bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable unto him. For this is true life; this is genuine love; this is real worship.
That with the whole of our being, we come to a place of surrender, not because we don't have plans for our lives or dreams we long to achieve. But because we trust that his judgment as a father, as a friend and as God is way better than anything we can imagine or pull of in our own strength. To live truly is to surrender your life to the God of all life. So that he and you can beat with one heart, one purpose and in one love.