I learned to embrace pain, I would be mastered by nothing. But yet you found a way to control the way I thought, always a step ahead scheming my demise. At least that was what my paranoid mind deduced. Every time I found an excuse to be with you, you had a reason to be away. We were playing hide and seek, and you were winning at hiding. You were devising every excuse to be further away.
I wish I could see myself the way you saw me, I was always curious if I was a monster or a person to you.
This is not about you, I know you think it is.
It’s about all of you, the ones who cared enough to stay but left, and the ones who never did. The ones who stole kisses and hugs in the name of love but who had no idea what love was. I saw you just for who you were.
You were watching me like a predator hounds its prey, waiting for the perfect moment to devour all that I was. But I was aware, so I observed the one who marked me. Reading you the way you read me. Pretending to be nothing but naive and lost. This is a game. The one who feels loses. It’s a measure of one’s inability to be insensitive; I played it so much that I became it.
This is just me writing, this is not about me. It’s about what you do to me; about why I can’t be touched. These fears hide deep inside of me. With every stroke of your hand, she awakens. She is the fear living inside of me; reminding me of my reality. You’ll be gone, just like the others. I want her to be wrong, but she isn’t. I hate her voice, my world spins whenever she speaks. Still, I hold on to you as tightly as I can. Because for once, I want her to be mistaken. But you push me away instead, subtly and slowly. I feel it. Even before you do it. Your betrayal
You shouldn’t have pretended to care.