It gets hard most times. I know I should be strong. I am aware everything will work out fine. He has never failed me. He won’t start now. Right? But the battle goes on in my head. Countless questions arise, dousing my faith and igniting the doubts deep within. These reflections feed my mind with lies. It begins with the whispers that subtlely entice me with thoughts birth from my feeble mind.
My impatience becomes a snare plunging me into deep darkness, clawing God out from the center of my heart. My anxiety takes over. The humanity in me crawls out from beneath, from the cave it was confined. Its awakening beckons doom just like magnets attract iron. Its imperfections like fingerprints are unmistakably present on everything it touches.
A bargain begins in my soul, my will or His will. I weigh the options: faith or logic, a calculated risk or a walk into the unknown, my reputation or his glory. Just like arguing with the serpent it’s all so naive and useless. I am not always strong, I must confess. Like a loaded coin, my cravings take the center stage and as the fate unfolds my preconceived scripts get abandoned by the one who owns all plays.
Reality dawns, its presence frightens my weak-willed mind. The truth becomes obvious. I was never capable on my own. I won’t admit I’m wrong. My stubborn heart won’t let me, so I wallow in my mess. With a thousand excuses, I pity my all so naive self. I’ve been here before, ruined by my own choices, destroyed by my will. I tried to be strong, but my strength was never enough for his purpose. All he ever demanded was faith. So again, I let go of me and hold on to the one who has all things.
The never-ending cycle persists. My fall and the journey to his grace.