Finding Hope

I cannot go, and come, and kill myself

Hope - full

I could be very imaginative; always stuck in my head plotting "My Perfect Life" (or at least that's what I thought). Planning boat rides, hunting escapades, runaway relationships, coups, lunch, vacation with the kids. I'm sure you get the point.

Three years ago, I would have told you that by today I would have gotten my Masters degree; migrated to Canada (just kidding); started my dream career and probably be in a normal relationship.

Well, life happened. Things didn't work out the way I had meticulously planned they would (not that I'm complaining). To be honest (lol, I know! I'm sure you're tired of this phrase) I'm glad that a lot of things don't always go my way.

The devastating truth

I think one of the hardest things to recover from is unfulfilled expectations. I know that in the GPT - Global Pain Threshold, this may not be any of the first 10, 000 items on the list. However, I think that serial disappointment is as painful as breaking a bone (Not that I know how that feels).

The devastating fact about unmet expectations is that several setbacks make it harder for people to hold onto hope until they transform into a passive living human blob.

The irony is disappointments happen quite too often. Remember that one time that you were so hungry; you couldn't stop thinking about lunch. And eventually, when lunch came, it was a disaster! Or that day you planned the perfect outing and the rain just won't hold up. We've all been there before!

The real danger is the temptation to stop dreaming because of the fear of being disappointed again! And it's funny that fear (one of our biggest tyrants) is always one step behind us looking for a way of restraining us.

I always thought most people were unnecessarily complicated, never expressing what they truly felt; But conveniently living behind masks, playing the victim role.

It's so funny how I eventually learned to speak masks; becoming the very version of the same character I detested - guarded.

I'll tell you exactly how it all happened.

Growing up, I had wonderful friends. And as a kid, I saw too many movies that gave me ideas of how friendships should be. So, I took cues from what I had learned and drew up expectations for each relationship I had.

The problem was, I was so focused on making each relationship exactly what I wanted it to be that I failed to appreciate it for what it already was. Eventually, each relationship reached its breaking point. Soon, I had a trail of broken friendships, and the pattern became quite normal.

Ultimately, I got to the stage where I believed that I would never really have the kind of relationships I wanted.

What did I do next?

I stopped having any form of expectation from the human race. Yup! None! As far as I was concerned, human beings were always wearing some form of disguise. I wasn't going to walk into any friendship unclad.

So, I related with all my friends using the masks I thought suited theirs; never free enough to be myself because I had had too many bashed expectations, and I was done. The scary part is I didn't even realize that I was doing it.

The truth is, by being focused on my expectations, I missed out on so many good things. What's more unfortunate was that I never really noticed what I had missed out on till it was too late.

The rescue - Hope Returns

It's a good thing Jesus found me because I might just have ended up a depressed and paranoid old lady with tons of cats (not that there's anything wrong with cats). I'm learning how to submit my hopes to God and leave them with him. It's crazily amazing how God loves us and is so faithful.

So, I have this list titled - My Desires. Whatever I hope for, I tell God about it and write it on the list in total surrender to his will. I know that God is 10000000000000 (lol, you get the point) times more fun and creative than I am.

Plus, he made me. So, he knows my capabilities and exactly what I love. And he also knows all things, so it's way safer to let him have total control. I have to trust him enough to know that if he says no, it's because he has something better planned (not that I enjoy my desires being rejected).

But the more I walk with him; the more I know that he is the best Father ever! What's amazing is after a while, I opened the list and realized that a bunch of items on it had been sorted.

I had totally forgotten I had it, but my Father hadn't (But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you - Matthew 6:33 ESV). Really, I can't go, and come, and kill myself. It's way easier to let my Father take care of everything; and I can focus on the one thing I was made to do - which is to love him.

Final verdict

My solution is to hope for things. But to also accept that everything may not work out the way I desire. And it's okay because all things are working out for my good anyway. God said it, and since he doesn't lie, I might as well roll with it. Trusting that he loves me completely.

Don't be afraid to hope for things and don't forget to enjoy every passing moment you have the opportunity to experience, because life is a gift worth enjoying!